ÿþ<html> <head> <title>Holy smokes! The Weiners, Jim? Gaming Revolution</title> <META NAME="keywords" CONTENT="chris voisine, voisine, founder, tim kavanagh, tbone, slap bracelet, weiners jim, weiners, jim, shakira, paris hilton, wiener dog, dachsund, hand-sign, hand signal,jim's friends, weiners fancy jim, root beer, wilson farms root beer, bridge to terebithia, matt cummins, jewish jenni, jenni rosenberg, buddy icon, weiner dog"> <META NAME="description" CONTENT="The Hub of the Weiners, Jim? Gaming Revolution. "> <style> a:link {color: darkorange; text-decoration: none} a:visited {color: darkorange; text-decoration: none} a:hover {color: white; text-decoration: none} </style> <!-- <script> //displays random image at top of Founder's Corner var fc_pic=new Array() fc_pic[0] = 'fctop3.gif' fc_pic[1] = 'fctop4.gif' fc_pic[2] = 'fctop7.gif' var i=Math.round(3*Math.random()-.5); function putin(){ document.write('<a href="founders.html"><img border=0 src="'+fc_pic[i]+'"></a>'); } var ie=document.all var ns=document.layers var ns6=document.getElementById&&!document.all function enlarge(which,e){ //Render image code for IE 4+ and NS6 if (ie||ns6){ crossobj=document.getElementById? document.getElementById("showimage") : document.all.showimage if (crossobj.style.visibility=="hidden"){ crossobj.style.left=ns6? pageXOffset+e.clientX : document.body.scrollLeft+event.clientX crossobj.style.top=ns6? pageYOffset+e.clientY : document.body.scrollTop+event.clientY crossobj.innerHTML='<div align=right id=drag><b onClick=closepreview()>X</b></div><img src="'+which+'">' crossobj.style.visibility="visible" } else crossobj.style.visibility="hidden" return false } //Render image code for NS 4 else if (document.layers){ if (document.showimage.visibility=="hide"){ document.showimage.document.write('<a href="#" onMouseover="drag_dropns(showimage)"><img src="'+which+'" border=0></a>') document.showimage.document.close() document.showimage.left=e.x document.showimage.top=e.y document.showimage.visibility="show" } else document.showimage.visibility="hide" return false } //if NOT IE 4+ or NS 4, simply display image in full browser window else return true } function closepreview(){ crossobj.style.visibility="hidden" } </script> <script language="JavaScript1.2"> var nsx,nsy,nstemp function drag_dropns(name){ temp=eval(name) temp.captureEvents(Event.MOUSEDOWN | Event.MOUSEUP) temp.onmousedown=gons temp.onmousemove=dragns temp.onmouseup=stopns } function gons(e){ temp.captureEvents(Event.MOUSEMOVE) nsx=e.x nsy=e.y } function dragns(e){ temp.moveBy(e.x-nsx,e.y-nsy) return false } function stopns(){ temp.releaseEvents(Event.MOUSEMOVE) } function drag_drop(e){ if (ie&&dragapproved){ crossobj.style.left=tempx+event.clientX-offsetx crossobj.style.top=tempy+event.clientY-offsety } else if (ns6&&dragapproved){ crossobj.style.left=tempx+e.clientX-offsetx crossobj.style.top=tempy+e.clientY-offsety } return false } function initializedrag(e){ if (ie&&event.srcElement.id=="drag"||ns6&&e.target.id=="drag"){ offsetx=ie? event.clientX : e.clientX offsety=ie? event.clientY : e.clientY tempx=parseInt(crossobj.style.left) tempy=parseInt(crossobj.style.top) dragapproved=true document.onmousemove=drag_drop } } document.onmousedown=initializedrag document.onmouseup=new Function("dragapproved=false") </script> --> <style type="text/css"> { scrollbar-3d-light-color: #808080; scrollbar-arrow-color: darkorange; scrollbar-base-color: #000080; scrollbar-dark-shadow-color: #000080; scrollbar-face-color: #808080; scrollbar-highlight-color: #808080; scrollbar-shadow-color: #000080} </style> </head> <body> <script language="JavaScript1.2"> if (document.all||document.getElementById) document.body.style.background="url('riverdancebg.jpg') white center no-repeat fixed" </script> <div id="showimage" style="position:absolute;visibility:hidden;border:1px solid black"></div> <center> <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td colspan="2"> <img src="headtophalfxmas.gif"><br></td> </tr> <tr> <td width=487> <center> <img src="wjbanner.gif"> </td> <td><img src="headbottomright.gif"></td> </tr> </table> <table width="780" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td colspan="3" valign="top"> <table width="317" valign="top" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td><img src="fctop6.gif" border="0"></td> <!--<script language=javascript>putin();</script></td>--> </tr> <tr> <td align="left"> <table background="fcbg.gif" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr><td><center><font size="3" color="darkorange"><b>CHECK OUT THE NEW <br><a href="http://www.cafeshops.com/weinersjim" target="_blank">MERCHANDISE SECTION!!</a><b></font></td></tr> <tr><td><center><br><a href='http://sneil.yafro.com' target='_blank'> <img src='http://sneil.yafro.com/latest/mid.jpg' border=0></a><br><a href='http://sneil.yafro.com/photos/'><font size=-2 face=arial>The latest from Founder J's Yafro camera-phone blog.</a></center> </td></tr> <tr> <td> <table cellspacing="7"> <tr> <td valign="top"><font color="white"> <!--<b><font color=darkorange size="-1">Question of the . . . time period:</b> The dude from the Geico commericals - is he really the president? <br><font size="-2">(De temps en temps, the Founders and / or Mercenary Kavanagh will pose a question up here; typically, they will be massively profound questions with world-spanning relevance. If you can supply any help in answering said questions, please dominate the Shoutbox.) <br><br></font></font>--> <center><img src="deathweek.gif" border="0"></center><br> <b><a href="aim:goim?screenname=rawdawgtbone&message=Care+to+join+me+in+a+tub+full+of+blood?">TBone and the News</a>, 4.25.05<br></b><br> I was gonna get a little wyld here and point out the many ways in which fantasy baseball is better than regular baseball, but everyone agrees with me on that point anyways, so screw that, really. I m all about efficiency.<br><br> <center><img src="hueycatfish.jpg" border="0"><br><font size="-1"></center>OK, few things here. First, playboy s name is Catfish Hunter; fully surreal and apt if he was indeed a fisherman, ergo a hunter of catfish. Second, that whole getup he s wearing is ridiculous, but I want one. Lastly, he put his signature across his package, a practice that will be forevermore adopted (sanctioned if you will) by Timo.</font><br><br> Last things first, I was signed up to play in some sort of WAKA Kickball League last fall, but the jerks in charge effectively pooped their pants, and so no balls were kicked. In any case, there s still an email listserv type deal that goes around to all members. Well, recently, and by recently I mean for one day as in this past Thursday, people started exploiting this newfound stage for their own ill wills. Some were funny/witty/cool, but some were herbs and elected to use the bully pulpit to make statements that bordered on the bizarre, such as  Remove Me from the list or  I M BEGGING YOU ALL TO STOP EMAILING ME or  TIM, PLEASE DON T REPLY TO ME WHEN YOU SEND OUT EMAILS or the like.<br><br> The funniest were people who signed up with their corporate email address. Well done, sirs and madams. Cuz, ya know, it s pretty expensive and difficult to get a free email address or seven. So, this one wyldman, he sent out some Wilson Phillips lyrics, incorrectly citing them as Wilson Phillip lyrics. As any of you would do in that situation, I responded with some Huey Lewis. Now, here s where it gets a little nonsensical. This other guy, who, apparently, wants to date me, sent me a personal email with a pic of him and Huey Lewis at a recent  gig in Las Vegas, shown . . . myeah:<br><br> <center><img src="hueyme.jpg" border="0"><br><font size="-1">Hey!</center></font><br> A contingent representing the millions and millions of my fans had brought it to my attention that I hadn t done very much dicking around with photoshop lately, and holy hell, what a ripe pasture was just presented to me on a silver platter. (Hrrmmm . . . that s not much of a metaphor, but just go with it, as we take you on the WORLD TOUR through history of Huey Lewis and some random herb!!! I can send you the guy s email address if you want to date him, Founder Janowitz or someone else . . .) Without further ado, get your dancin shoes on, here we go . . . <br><br> <center><img src="huey50.jpg" border="0"><br><font size="-1"></center>What a combo. Unfortunately, critics have recently just blasted this dichotomous duo s first single,  It s Hip to Be a P.I.M.P. .</font><br><br> <center><img src="hueypit.jpg" border="0"><br><font size="-1"></center>Even in a pit filled with fresh corpses, Huey doesn t really care about anything but Huey, especially when s on the mic.</font><br><br> <center><img src="hueyholo.jpg" border="0"><br><font size="-1"></center>Again, Huey, can t you show some sort of COMPASSION for the slain?.</font><br><br> On to my new best friend . . . <br><br> <center><img src="hueybabes.jpg" border="0"><br><font size="-1"></center>This would be such a friggin hot picture if this jerkface wasn t chaperoning. </font><br><br> <center><img src="hueytails.jpg" border="0"><br><font size="-1"></center>I guess this guy just doesn t like PDA. Note Tails lookin like she has the hots for ol Timo (obviously due to intoxication), Timo looking like a flipping idiot as per status quo (although this was during the era when I had eyebrows to DIE for), and our pal again spoiling a nice picture.<br> <b><font color=darkorange>Founders' Note:</font></b> He did, in fact, just say "eyebrows to die for." Just confirming that for y'all. </font><br><br> <b><a href="aim:goim?screenname=cvgolferguy&message=If+it+doesn't+fit,+let+me+get+a+hit">Founder Voisine, Esq.</a>, 4.04.05<br></b><br> In continuing this week of mourning, we refect on the life of one, Johnnie Cochran Jr., of the most famous and talented lawyers to grace the courtroom since Clarence "Da-Dizzy" Darrow.<br> Throughout his impressive career, Cochran represented and exonerated many high-profile criminals - er, people. Most notable was of course, was Orenthal James Simpson.<br><br> <center><img src="cochojdrag.jpg" border="0"><br><font size="-1">I can't touch this.</center></font><br> In a brilliant move that will forever live in courtroom infamy, Cochran arranged for OJ to try on a glove found at the murder scene. This glove would potentially make or break the case for the defense. If the glove fit, Simpson would have surely been convicted of murdering his wife Nicole and her semite "companion", Ron Goldman. Otherwise, as Johnnie famously said, "if it doesn't fit, you must acquit." Quick: get this man a beat.<br><br> However, before trying the glove on in front of millions of viewers, Cochran instructed OJ to put on another glove first in order to "protect the key piece of evidence." Well wha'dya know! The glove didn't fit! OJ couldn't possibly be the killer! I for one was shocked . . .<br><br> <center><img src="cochshocked.jpg" border="0"></center><font size="-1">Me . . . being shocked . . . at the retardedness of Lance Ito and the jurors who bought that load of crap. Incidentally, the gentleman behind me . . . Founder J?</font><br><br> In honor of Johnnie's genius in the clutch, I decided to do my own re-enactment of this episode to relive the spectacle of it all over a decade later . . .<br><br> <center><img src="cochglove1.jpg" border="0"></center><font size="-1">Taken before I went on a Sasser killing spree. A nice, comfortable fit.</font><br><br> <center><a href="cochsas1b.jpg" onClick="return enlarge('cochsas1b.jpg',event)"><img src="cochsas1.jpg" border="0"></a><br><font size="-1"></center>The unsuspecting victim falls prey to my Mary Poppins swoop attack. Notice the menacing glove adorning my shooting hand.</font><br><br></center> <center><a href="cochsas2b.jpg" onClick="return enlarge('cochsas2b.jpg',event)"><img src="cochsas2.jpg" border="0"></a><br><font size="-1"></center>I just couldn't resist the chance to take another picture on top of the Sas sassin' it with an umbrella, hairdryer and winter glove on . . .</font><br><br></center> Anyway . . .<br><br> <center><img src="cochglove2.jpg" border="0"></center><font size="-1">Months later . . . in court. To avoid contaminating the glove in question, I was instructed to put on this other glove to act as a barrier, thereby keeping my DNA off of the glove from the crime scene.</font><br><br> <center><img src="cochglove3.jpg" border="0"></center><font size="-1">I try on the evidence and . . . Holy smokes! The incriminating glove doesn't fit! I clearly could not have possibly committed the crime! Time to go, thanks for watching.</font><br><br> Ahhh . . . the US legal system. It all its glorious stupidity you, Johnnie Cochran, took advantage of our Judicial Branch like no other. You manipulated the system, found loopholes, and set the bar for aspiring attorneys for years to come. Congrats on a fantastic run bruddah.<br><br> <center><img src="cochjohnnie.jpg" border="0"><font size="-1"><br>The defense rests . . . in peace.</center></font><br> <b><a href="aim:goim?screenname=sup+wit+da+lip&message=It's+Me,+Meagan+From+Hooters.+Love+me,+you+fool.">Astounded Founder Jan O'Witz</a>, 4.03.05<br></b><br> As we progress through the Weiners, Jim? 'Week of Death' tribute in chronologically skewed fashion, it's inevitable that we cross paths with the late Terri Schiavo. Perhaps you've heard of her?<br><br> <center><img src="terri1.jpg" border="0"><br><font size="-1">Terri the babe during earlier, more sentient times.</center></font><br> There's no point in rehashing everything here, for Terri Schiavo will forever live in our memories as vegetative proof of the things that a bulimic woman from Florida can achieve with only the help of a psychotic family and some unscrupulous media.<br><br> But look at the bright side: she 'kept' longer than any vegetable I've ever seen. (Oooooooooooooooooooooof, who said that?)<br><br> But for serious, if anything positive came out of this episode, it's that it provided fodder for one of the most hilarious and poignant "South Parks" of all time. It also gave pathetic Americans something that they could zealously latch onto so as to forget their own miserable lives.<br><br> <center><img src="terri2.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">Terri, flattered that right-to-life advocates who don't know her would ensure that she is sufficiently <a href="http://www.returntothepit.com/view.php?formid=16635" target="_blank">lampooned</a> by irreverent youths who are tired of hearing about this overblown case.</font><br><br> Though this poor woman is finally past all of the mania that she didn't know existed, not everyone walked away from the ordeal so fortunately. The Daily News, New York Post and their kin are downtrodden, knowing that they once again have to actually put some effort into finding trashy, sensationalist stories to cover. <br><br> So, we at Weiners, Jim? would like to say, "Rest in peace, Ms. Schiavo." No one's earned it more than you.<br><br> <b><a href="aim:goim?screenname=cvgolferguy&message=Need+consolation?"> Founder "Papal poignancy" Voisine</a>, 4.02.05<br></b><br> And so the white smoke has risen from the Basilica . . . Pope John Paul II has passed.<br><br> <center><img src="popechild.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">At an early age, sporting the first of many, many wild collars.</font><br><br> As we at Weiners, Jim? observe another moment of silence, let's all reflect on the life of a great man.<br><br> Johnny P grew up in backwoods Poland under the name Karol Wojtyla. Of all men, this guy was THE man. Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Christ, Prince of Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Patriarch of the West, The Colossus of Clout <font size=-2>(The Colossus of Clout)</font>, Sovereign of Vatican City and the Primate of Italy (not sure I quite get that one) are just a few of the cool titles JPII so appropriately held.<br><br> In addition, JPII was the only Pope ever featured in a comic book . . . <br><br> <center><img src="popecomic.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">Little known fact: this 'ish' was the actual first appearance of "Wolverine," but due to the comic's small size, it went widely unnoticed and thus, unread. </font><br><br> And was the Time Magazine "Man of the Year:" <br><br> <center><img src="popetime.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">The Deuce was featured as Time's MOTY in 1994. Afterwards, Quentin Tarantino - who thought he deserved the honor for his work on 'Pulp Fiction' - was heard complaining, "evidently John Travolta and Sammy L. Jackson aren't as impressive to the Time people as one billion Catholics. Who's next, Newt Gingrich?"</font><br><br> Thanks for the memories Pope. You've led the Catholic Church through some of the most difficult years in its 2000 year history. Rest in Peace bud.<br><br> <center><img src="popelaugh.jpg" border="0"><br><font size="-1">High-fives all around, indeed. You the man, dawg.</font></center><br> <b><a href="aim:goim?screenname=rawdawgtbone&message=Care+to+join+me+in+a+tub+full+of+blood?">A posthumous entry from korpse Kavanagh</a>, 4.01.05<br></b><br> Howdy.<br><br> So for April Fools Day, I had some pretty killer ideas, guy.<br><br> First, as I did last year, I have a Word document that has  badger written in 8-point light gray font all down the right margin. Then, on the bottom line, it s  SNAKE!!! What you do is this: just print out about 30-40 copies of the file, then put it back in your office's printer, oriented so that what you've printed will be face up on any copy that anyone else prints. You may want to do a test sheet first, to determine how to do this. So you put your 30-40 "badgered" sheets in, and hilarity ensues when people try to print, and then there are all types of badgers and appliances all over their right margin. What do all the badgers mean/want? It doesn't matter. What you need to worry about is the snake at the bottom, really. Somehow this plan got hijacked, because when I came back from lunch, there were no reports of wyld badgers on the loose. Lame.<br><br> Second, Tim  Gaylord Salmon hatched an idea with some of his fellow esquires, and figured that I d make a good accomplice. The plan-suh? Some babe at his place of employ just got back from spring break in Fort Lauderdale. What the hell? Exactly. In any case, he thought it d be funny if I called in playing Hog of the Road and saying that I was a producer from Girls Gone Wild, and that we had gotten some shots of her that we wanted to put in our latest release  Girls Gone Wild Spring Break 7: Fort Lauderdale . So, in theory, this was a good idea. Sadly, in practice, the girl was somewhat hip to be square, but more on that later. Point is, I had to scramble, and told her to show up at 666 Fifth Avenue in order to sign the release waiver, suite 2500. Incidentally, well not really incidentally considering I have this fact memorized, they did all of the editing for the original The Exorcist in one of the offices at 666 Fifth Avenue. Pretty bone-chilling.<br><br> More bone-chilling was the plan I d hatched for my roommate, a plan of HELLISH proportions that was sired in my domepiece circa 10 AM on 4-1-05. The plan was this: I normally get home before him, so I would buy myself some stage blood and whatnot after work... once I got home, I was gonna call him and just talk about regular stuff, but then, right in the middle of a sentence, I'd be like, "HEY!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!?!?!?!", then make some noise like I was under attack, then when he got home, have our apartment fucked up a little bit maybe some stuff missing and door ajar, and be lying in a pool of <fake> blood on the floor. Well, all went to plan EXCEPT the Blaine in question hit up a happy hour and didn t end up headin home until like 7:45 or so. By this time, I d had the blood caked on me for about 90 minutes, and it was starting to get in my eyes and all, plus it was sticky. Anyways, here s some bone-chilling crime scene photos.<br><br> <center><img src="boneblood2.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">I was blasted in the nose and lip. It was not fun warshing this out of my chest hair.</font><br><br> <center><img src="boneblood1.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">Well, even when you ve gotten your ass kicked, you still use AIM as you can see from this photo. This beater went into the CanWorks brand receptacle after this episode.</font><br><br> <center><img src="boneblood3.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">BRAINS!!!!! <font size=-1 color=darkorange><b>Founder's Note: beaten to hell, or about to lay out one of the world's most vicious, bloody sneezes? You be the judge.</font></b></font><br><br> <b><a href="aim:goim?screenname=sup+wit+da+lip&message=It's+Me,+Meagan+From+Hooters.+Love+me,+you+fool.">Founder "Mourning" Jan O'Witz</a>, 3.31.05<br></b><br> <center><img src="mitchrip1.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">A picture of Mitch when he was younger. Because all pictures of you are from when you were younger.</font><br><br> No hilarity here, my friends. Just a solemn tribute. Mitch Hedberg, longtime friend of Weiners, Jim? - however one-sided that friendship may have been - passed away today. The cause? Still unknown. The effect? Unimaginable. <br><br>Suffice it to say, back during our fledgling year in Morgan 535, Mitch was an icon. He kept us going. Like FDR and his fireside chats, Founder Voisine, myself, World Record Holder Williams, Hot Dogs and the rest of our rag-tag crew would crowd around the stereo and listen to endless loops of Mitch jokes. How much he molded us will never fully be understood. How much we loved him is indescribable. <br><br> And so, with a heavy heart, Weiners, Jim? says good-bye to an old friend. One who never really knew he was our friend. Or that we existed. But that's cool.<br><br> <center><img src="mitchrip2.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">End of transaction, indeed, mon frere. No further paperwork needed.</font><br><br> <b><a href="aim:goim?screenname=sup+wit+da+lip&message=It's+Me,+Meagan+From+Hooters.+Love+me,+you+fool.">Founder "Insomniac" Jan O'Witz</a>, 3.21.05<br></b><br> It's now 5 am, and I'm impressed. I thought I had lost the ability to work late into the night somewhere around junior year of college. Then an otherwise innocent 2-litre bottle of Pepsi jump-started some long-dormant endurance, and we're truckin' over here. So truckin', in fact, that I added / fixed some links to the right. I'll let you experiment and discover which links now work - it's like a game!<br><br> Writin' a motorcycle round-up for FHM right now (well no, right now I'm updating Weiners, Jim?) In doing my research, I stumbled across what is doubtlessly the greatest motorcyle in the history of two-wheeled automotion.<br><br> <center><a href="runeb.jpg" onClick="return enlarge('runeb.jpg',event)"><img src="runes.jpg" border="0"></a><br><font size="-1"></center>Appropriately, this mean son of a bitch is called the "Rune." I don't know why that's appropriate, but make no mistake: if you so much as stand near this thing, it will snap your knees like twigs.</font><br><br></center> Meanwhile, while doing her own searching, the Lovely found an equally-worthy 'cycle. I mean, come on, it's as if Harley Davidson was catering exclusively to the Weiners, Jim? crowd.<br><br> <center><a href="dogbikeb.jpg" onClick="return enlarge('dogbikeb.jpg',event)"><img src="dogbikes.jpg" border="0"></a><br><font size="-1"></center>Mere seconds later, Atticus would mistake the dog's bike-induced awe for rabies and shoot the poor pup. A moment of silence was naturally observed at Weiners, Jim? headquarters.</font><br><br></center> So, I'm just wrapping up another Sparknote; this time, on the Enlightenment. My amusement at being a future source for research has not diminished at all between projects. Must say, though - I learned a ton more from this project than I did from the French Revolution. Most of it, of course, was stupid, silly shit.<br><br> <center><a href="kingtreeb.jpg" onClick="return enlarge('kingtreeb.jpg',event)"><img src="kingtrees.jpg" border="0"></a><br><font size="-1"></center>Those trees to the left-center of the picture? That was King Louis XV and his entourage entering some rockin' Versailles party (nay, a soiree) in costume. As yew trees. So badass.</font><br><br></center> <center><a href="courtingb.jpg" onClick="return enlarge('courtingb.jpg',event)"><img src="courtings.jpg" border="0"></a><br><font size="-1"></center>How many times do you think this took place before some Enlightened fellow dropped the line, "well, I love you, but . . . I'm really attracted to your mom, too . . ."</font><br><br></center> <center><img src="diderot.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">Denis Diderot, editor of the controversial Enlightenment-era tome <i>The Encyclopedie</i>, or Paul McCartney playing dress-up? You be the judge.</font><br><br> <center><img src="enlitdude.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">A modern incarnation of 'Enlightenment,' according to Google image search.</font><br><br> In other news, Jimbo visited, dominated and is now moving to New York full-time to donkey punch the film industry. We took a celebratory photo before he left triumphantly:<br><br> <center><img src="jimboni.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">An exhibition of the most narrow heads in all of Manhattan. Who parted that hair, Jimbo - Moses?</font><br><br> When out showing New York how the world really works, Jimbo accompanied myself and our posse for some burgers-n-beers, wherein we discovered the most ironic typo in the history of printing:<br><br> <center><img src="coroslight.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">Hey, I mean, if you're going to spell a beer's name wrong, why not make it your own? Someone's head rolled at Coors that day - though, thanks to Coors' cold-storage technique, the head remains perfectly preserved and fresh.</font><br><br> Don't know if you all are following the NCAA tournament, but Weiners, Jim? now officially endorses West Virginia in their ascent to greatness. Why the DAP? For the heart of Mike Gansey and the name of Kevin Pittsnogle, of course. Pittsnogle? You serious? That man will be president; this I will see to.<br><br> <b>In conclusion:</b> I'm still up at 5:30 am, after a wildly productive day. Through all the writing and power moves, what accomplishment am I most proud of? You guessed it - my makeshift drum set:<br><br> <center><img src="macdrumset.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">Comprised of a large cardboard box bass drum, my hellraising double-bass pedal, a camera tripod, a practice pad, a music stand and the top of a hi-hat . . . hot damn, I'm the fuckin' MacGyver of poor drummers. Incidentally, this set took up 75% of the available floor space in my room. The rest is monopolized by the two boxes of 600 self-sealing bubble-wrap mailers. I collect them, aight?</font><br><br> <center><img src="machihat.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">As cool as the drum set is, possibly my greatest achievement ever lies in the fastening apparatus for the hi hat. The white loop being used as a washer is the bottom of a metal hook, the black padding is actually a covered plastic cell phone hands-free earpiece, and the entire shebang is sheathed beneath a girl's tank top, which muffles the metallic ringing. You seeing this, Pops? I'm starting a new Enlightenment over here.</font><br><br> And so, I'll spend most of the day rocking hard and writing harder. Such is the life of a struggling artist. Godspeed, friends; however fast God's speed may be.<br><br> <b><a href="aim:goim?screenname=cvgolferguy&message=Smooches!"> Founder "Peppermint Patty" Voisine</a>, 3.09.05<br></b><br> Nothing beats flopping a full house and then slow playing the crap out of it while three other schmucks catch a set, 2 pair, and a flush. It's just too bad I was playing at a $.5/1 table and the monster hand only yielded about enough to cover my latest purchase, a pack of <a href="http://www.simplyoz.com/products/personal_needs/thursday_plantation_tea_tree_oil_products/oral_care/toothpickschewing_sticks" target="_blank"> tea tree chewing sticks.</a><br><br> <img src="teatooth.gif" border=0 align="left">Said sticks are, interestingly enough, turning the Chicago Cubs around by helping them overcome the curse of <a href="http://www.simplyoz.com/chicago_tribune.php" target="_blank"> Bill "Billy Goat" Sianis</a>. Apparently his pet goat wanted entry to Wrigley to catch a Cubs game. Fair enough. When the goat was denied access, the curse was born and the Cubs have been in the dumpster ever since. Whooda thunk? Who else...<br><br> Your venerable Founders took the time out of their jam packed schedules put on fine suits and think on such things over dinner.<br><br> <center><a href="ponderingb.jpg" onClick="return enlarge('ponderingb.jpg',event)"><img src="ponderings.jpg" border="0"></a><br><font size="-1"></center><b>Founder V:</b> "So Founder J, what say you regarding Billy Goat Sianis and goat discrimination?" <br><b>Founder J:</b> "My, you have pretty eyes." <br><b>Founder V:</b> "Yes, this is true. Yet your reply does not seem to answer my question." <br><b>Founder J:</b> "I often house a kitten in my shorts."</font><br><br></center> The conversation went nowhere fast. So the founders made the executive decision to forget the discussion and instead rock out. <s>Hard.</s> <font size=-2>Limp wristed.</font><br><br> <center><img src="drum1.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">Now that is raw, unadulterated, deer-in-headlights hard-rocking if I've ever seen it.</font><br><br> And finally this:<Br><br> <center><img src="mooneychest.jpg" border="0"><br></center><font size="-1">In an act where both parties were expected to be disgusted, or at the very least not-happy, we see only pure joy and excitement on their faces. This ritual was first performed by Mr. Mooney and Mr. Best over a year ago and has been joyfully repeated at locations around the globe. Check back for future updates to see where the clean shaven duo strikes next!</font><br><br> <center><a href="towershaveb.jpg" onClick="return enlarge('towershaveb.jpg',event)"><img src="towershaves.jpg" border="0"></a><br><font size="-1"></center><b>Mooney:</b> "I hate the French."<br><b>Best:</b> "I don't get it."<br><b>Mooney:</b> "French people. I hate them."<br><b>Best:</b> "So, what does that have to do with us?"</font><br><br></center> Boy am I hungry.<br><br> <b><a href="aim:goim?screenname=sup+wit+da+lip&message=It's+Me,+Meagan+From+Hooters.+Love+me,+you+fool.">Founder "Celebrity" Jan O'Witz</a>, 3.04.05<br></b><br> And, that's it. We're famous. I don't know what else to say. <br><br> It all came to fruition in the April issue of FHM, the current stompin' ground for proud Weiners, Jim? contributors. The most recent addition? Why, none other than official Weiners, Jim? flat-mate Alex "Voetsch" Voetsch. <br><br> <center><a href="vexb.jpg" onClick="return enlarge('vexb.jpg',event)"><img src="vexs.jpg" border="0"></a><br><font size="-1"></center>Anyone else think that "Voetsch" is going to get drunk one night and call directory assistance looking for this girl, only to call her and identify himself (loudly) as her ex-boyfriend? 'Cause I pretty much guarantee it.</font><br><br></center> But then, as if 30 East 3rd. St. Apt. 2 wasn't already represented enough, and as if the Weiners, Jim? crew hadn't seen enough print . . . Mike the Roommate and I, your very own Founder Janowitz, had to up the ante yet again. It's just convenient that we could up the proverbial ante in a magazine, for neither of us could afford to up any antes in a real gambling event. We're both apocalyptically poor.<br><br> <center><a href="internb.jpg" onClick="return enlarge('internb.jpg',event)"><img src="interns.jpg" border="0"></a><br><font size="-1"></center>Right now, there are droves (seriously, droves) of Weiners, Jim? readers (yup, plural) saying to themselves, "Woah, he hasn't just been Photoshopping the heads of his friends into the 'It's Your Ex-girlfriend' section?" No, loyal readers, no I have not.</font><br><br></center> BUT STILL, this fame was not enough. No, I craved the spotlight, and that's why I submitted thie gem to <a href="http://shakeskin.com/Shakeskin/Gallery/Shaken/2" target="_blank">Shakeskin.com</a>:<br><br> <center><img src="shakeskin.jpg" border="0"><br><font size="-1">As always, striving to make the parents proud.</font><br><br></center> And that just about wraps it up.<br><br> <b>In other site-related news:</b> <ul> <li>Our Shoutbox seems to have an affinity for virus-carrying links, and that's awesome. Frequent writer Kavanagh also has a penchant for following links that lead to viruses. <li>My apartment bedroom recently developed an occupation by mice (or by mouse, it would seem). Since this far, far exceeded the posted occupancy limit of 0, something had to be done. As you can see in the grainy photo at the top, something was indeed done - and it involved the obliteration of a tiny, cute animal's skull. The world can be so cruel; and yet, that's what you get for dropping a tiny mouse deuce on my printer. <li>Baseball season has, kinda, started. And that's awesome. <li>Weiners, Jim? officially welcomes The Lovely, Rachelita, Medina (girlfriend of Carl . . .), Katie "Sassy" Lelli, Jimbo and Founder Voisine to 30 East 3rd St. Apt. 2. These fine fans will be crashing with us for the following week or so, and we haven't a fuckin' clue where we're going to put them. </ul> So until next time, buenos nachos. Yes, good nachos indeed.<br><br> </td> </tr> </table> </td> </tr> <tr> <td height="30" align="top"><center> <a href="#" onClick="window.open('archive7.html','')"> A walk down memory lane . . .</a> </td> </tr> </table> </td> </tr> </td> </tr> <tr> <td valign="bottom"><img src="fcbottom.gif"></td> </tr> </table> </td> <td valign="top" colspan="3"> <table width="457" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"> <tr> <td valign="top"><center><font color=orange face=arial size=-1><b>Shout outs, and such<!-- BEGIN MYSHOUTBOX.COM CODE --> <iframe src="http://75640.myshoutbox.com/" align=center width=250 height=400 frameborder="0" allowTransparency="true"></iframe> <!-- END MYSHOUTBOX.cOM CODE--> <p> </td> <td valign="top" width=200><center><h4><font face="verdana" color="white">Links</h4></center> <font size="-1"> <ul> <li><a href="http://www.neiljanowitz.com" target="_blank">Neil Janowitz.com</a> <li><a href="http://www.neiljanowitz.com/trivia" target="_blank">Text message trivia</a> <li><a href="http://www.collegehumor.com" target="_blank">CollegeHumor.com</a> <li><a href="http://www.streeterseidell.com" target="_blank">Streeter Seidell: part of the crew</a> <li><a href="http://www.mollyknight.com" target="_blank">Molly Knight. So hip, it's frightening.</a> </ul> </td> </tr> <tr> <td align="left"> <table> <tr> <td> <img SRC="founders.gif" usemap="#founders" border="0"> <map name="founders"> <area shape="rect" coords="60,2,184,101" href="founders.html" title="Our Venerated Founders" target="_blank"> <area shape="rect" coords="54,120,195,182" href="const.html" title="Jim?'s Constitution" target="_blank"> <area shape="rect" coords="58,215,188,250" href="wjrules.htm" title="Jim?'s Rules" target="_blank"> </map><p> </td> </tr> <tr> <center> <td width="250" valign="top"> <img src="blank.gif" border="0"> </td> </tr> </table> </td> <td> <table> <tr> <td height="167"><a href="http://www.weinersjim.com/handsign.html" target=_blank><center><img src="handsign.gif" border="0"><br><font face="arial" size="-1">The Hand-Sign</a> </td> </tr> <tr> <td height="177"><center><a href="wjmain.jpg" onClick="return enlarge('wjmain.jpg',event)"><img src="wjmainsmall.jpg" border="0"></a><br><font face="arial" size="-1"><a href="wjmain.jpg" onClick="return enlarge('wjmain.jpg',event)">The Beginning</a></td> </tr> </table> </td> </tr> <tr> <td width="400" colspan="2" align="left"><font face="verdana" size="-1"><a href="hallowcollage.jpg" onClick="return enlarge('hallowcollage.jpg',event)"><img src="wwhal.gif" border="0"> Halloween '01</a><br> <a href="vaginal.html" target="_blank"><img src="wwvag.gif" border="0"> Vaginal Croutons</a><br> <a href="vic.html" target="_blank"><img src="wwvic.gif" border="0"> Vic, the Arcade Manager</a><br><br> <a href="The Hot Dogs Song.wav"><b>The Hot Dogs Song</b>, A tribute to "JJHD"</a><br><br> <a href="#" onClick="window.open('http://curtis.curtisfong.org/fobonics/bases/','')"><b>All Your Bases</b></a><br><br> </td> </tr> </table> </td> </tr> <tr> <td height="67" colspan="8" width="780"><font size="-2" color="white"><center>All Weiners, Jim? stuff contained herein is copyright Eclectic Fool Gaming. Contact neil [at] weinersjim.com with burning questions, general comments, concerns, horoscopes, sex talks, Spanish Inquisitions, pop quizzes, girls' phone numbers (hot chicks for Jim), and really anything you feel like sending.<br><br> <b>Disclaimer:</b> We at Weiners, Jim?.com realize that in actuality, the word "Weiners" is spelled "Wieners", thus conforming to the age old i-before-e rule. We, however, are revolutionaries. We break rules. </table> </body> </html>